Ok, I will admit that "scared" wasn't my first thought. I was sharing what happened in the matching meeting today with a good friend. She knows me way too well and emailed back that she knew I was "scared" among other things. My first thought was "nope I am MAD". lol The truth is that she was right and I am SCARED. Here is what happened and why.
The matching meeting today was one that my worker described and the hardest she has been a part of yet. That in itself is amazing, because we turned out to be the ONLY family being considered. They asked some good questions and some just ridiculous ones. They asked about what "denomination" we were because our former church was nondenominational and was still listed on our homestudy. That was ridiculous as was the fact that they googled the church! A lot of the questions that they asked were ridiculous considering that we were matched with a child from this specific region and office before. I understand the questions about our ability to care for his special needs or the number of children that we have. I understand that people who don't live here can't possibly understand how calm and under control life really is.
It turns out that we can't be "matched" with him yet. That to me is just ridiculous since it was a "matching meeting". They have to send out letters and put stuff in the paper first. That annoys me!
First of all let me say that I am all about reunification and keeping children with their birth families when a good situation can be found. I just know that this child has been waiting in foster care for years already and that parental rights were terminated. It would have definitely been the case that bio family members would have been given opportunity to take him into "kinship care" while parents were working a plan or first chance as an adoptive resource when parental rights were being terminated.
If there are birth family out there somewhere who cared deeply about him then it seems they would have jumped at the chance to keep him out of foster care. It also seems that they would have jumped through every hoop imaginable to make sure that he was with them. On the other hand, if bio family would only want him because there is a family who wants to adopt him then that is more "possessive" than "loving" in my opinion. Maybe if I better understood the situation then I could find a way to deal with it, but I don't understand at all. We've done a lot of adoptions and never had this kind of situation.
So you can see where frustration, anger, confusion, and other stuff all comes in, right?
Then there is the scared part. See I am actually scared for several reasons. I am scared of not being able to be his mommy. I really have my heart set on him and know him a little so this is different for me. I'm actually more scared though that our wanting to adopt him will drudge up some bio family member who does want to "possess" him. I don't want him to be with anyone who doesn't absolutely adore him for just who he is. I don't want my desire to be his mommy and give him a forever family be the thing that ends up putting him into a not so good situation. I am terrified of what all of it means.
Now this wise friend also told me that she doesn't believe anyone will step forward and want to take him. I would actually be fine with sending letters and pictures to anyone if they wanted. She also reminded me what I know which is that God is very much in control. For that I am very thankful.
Now if we were to parallel this to a "nonadoptive folks" situation then it would be like if you took a pregnancy test but no one would give you the results maybe. lol Except once again this child is already on earth and days he could be with us are being lost. I already love him and can see his face in my mind every time I blink. This could be a long 30 days and I don't know what God has in store for sure.