Update on Clemency

So far so good - I think. (Please no one walk up to them if you know us in "real life" and tell them they are doing good or they will resort to bodily functions!)

Andrew and Crystal are RADishes. I know what to expect from their "good times". It is going about the same way as I expect. (In case you are wondering raising my expectations will result in my looking off guard or feeling disappointment, not a change in behavior - so please don't tell me to expect better of them.) They are both trying every little chance to "get away" with something. It is their lives' desire to somehow feel like they are a step ahead of me. I have to be as overvigilant as they are. They try to go past their limitations in how far from supervision they can be. They try to get into the kitchen area without being noticed. They try to "borrow" things from the other children in hopes that the other kids might let their guard down and receive something broken back or not at all. They try to get more of the "family books" off of the shelf than they are allowed to have at once. They try to do ANYTHING that they aren't allowed to do. If I don't catch them on something then they will try to go a step farther. Their hope is to "gain control", "manipulate", or "deceive" most of the time.

That being said, they are doing well considering. Their attempts are quickly met with a quick reminder that I DO see them. I DO know where they are heading. I will not let them get by with it. After probably 100 attempts in the first 24 hours at getting by with something - ANYTHING, they have slowed down a lot. Andrew has been saying "I am sorry" when he loses a privelege or gets a verbal reprimand. He has complied with doing his "remedial math" that is necessary until he quits playing dumb on his normal math. This is good since I am making him write his numbers over and over, which he hates the redundancy of doing. He even admitted to playing dumb on his language assignment and apologized after correcting. Crystal is doing ok. She has a look on her face too much of the time that says she is not wanting to attach further. At other times she is more willing though and is giving some real hugs at bedtime (I think).

Forrest and Jose are very glad to have received clemency as well. They don't have full blown RAD. They have more what would be called "attachment issues" or I think it is more "foster care issues". They are the issues that every child who has come to me ( at least the ones over age 4 when they moved in full time and I don't know about some of the others yet) seem to possess. They tear up clothing, or have food issues, or lie alot, or try to get pity from others, or are set in mediocracy with feet dug in and refusal to try to succeed, or constantly trying to get something by in some set area, or testing to see if they are really loved, or push to see if you'll really "keep" them. Those are just behaviors that I expect. I know to expect them and I generally know how to modify them as well. It can be slow going. It is NOTHING compared with the RAD kids. RAD kids do all of those behaviors all at the same time and add in a lot of other components as well. They seem to appreciate that they didn't have to finish those reports that were piling up. They also seem to not want to go "back" to that hole that they were digging for themselves.

Clemency worked out very well. I don't recommend that you ever do it often. I don't want my kids to ever have hope that it might happen to get them out or they might not care to dig that hole. I do want them to know that I loved having a good weekend with them all. I loved seeing them all out of trouble at the same time. I loved movie time where everyone had priveleges. I loved seeing all the boys playing ball together without anyone sitting out. I loved seeing what it will be like when God brings them all through their rough spells. I remind myself that God is going to bring them all through. I praise Him for that.

Clemency Granted

I have been so excited about our little guy coming and so frustrated that our children with RAD just can't seem to dig out of their holes. On top of that Forrest and Jose had gotten into a rut as well. It seemed that might never dig out. I decided several days ago that Friday would be the day to grant "clemency" to them. I knew that if I did it before Friday, then there would be no chance of them making it to the weekend and still having priveleges. I really wanted them to get another good taste of what life SHOULD be like.

While we were homeschooling today I let them know. I said "I have decided to grant clemency to everyone, but I need to know if you want it." I knew that they wouldn't be sure what it meant. I also knew that we've been working on better dictionary skills and using it when needed. (Homeschooling moms are always teaching!) Dayton and Jose said "Well, we don't know if we want it because we don't know what it means. What if it means that you are going to kill us or something?". I have to admit that made me laugh. It also made me feel accomplished, because we've also discussed making sure that you don't just "follow" others without knowing that they are doing what is right. lol

Andrew spoke up at that point. He said, "I think it probably means MERCY and I want it!". See I always tell people that he is a smart kid. I know that if he'd use half of the energy to do the right thing that he does to try so hard to do wrong, then he could accomplish tons!

Dayton spoke up next, "Well I am getting the dictionary!". He went to get it and looked the word up quickly. He then declared, "Andrew you were right!". They got a little noisy at that point. I quickly realized that the ones who get into the most trouble were planning what else they might be able to get away with now. I had to quickly remind that "clemency" would get rid of the writing assignments and give them normal priveleges, but that any further behaviors would land them with more consequences.

They quickly started to chat about "how this could happen". I never give an inch. I quickly learned that they were very smart. They declared that this had to do to my happiness over "child #13". I told them that I had decided that since I got that blessing, that I would give them a chance to receive one as well. Dayton told them, "Smell . . . . your taste of freedom!". He was even excited for them! I got hugs and listened to lots of happy chatter.

I don't know how long it will take for them to get into more trouble. History would make you believe that it won't be long. I want to believe that maybe they will take the opportunity to learn something. I want them to know that I do love them and want them to have a happy life. I don't want them to think that I will do this again any time soon, but I don't think they would dare bank on that. I do want them to know that I would do anything that I can to help them. They started to try and take advantage a few times this evening, but quickly backed down. We will see what tomorrow holds!

The RAD kids do know that they still have very strong limits. They still can't receive attention from other adults. They still can't be roaming the house unattended. They still have other rules that aren't rules for others at our house. They also know that those rules are not punishments, but rules in place to help them get better and not sabotage themselves.

What will they do with this clemency!?!

The Backsliding of the RADishes

Crystal and Andrew had been doing so well. I mean they were doing REALLY well. I knew it wouldn't last forever. I am not a newbie at this RAD thing, so I knew that it would return sometime soon with another round. It did.

We hadn't been to my grandparents' house for a month. We usually go there much more often than that, but with school starting back here full force and some other stuff going on it just hadn't happened. Brent was working this evening and Tuesday morning are his time to homeschool. I took Destiny to a check up with our medical provider. He got them up and going just as he did last week for homeschool.

The RADishes realized we were going somewhere, so they went into "RAD mode". Andrew tried out not writing his vocabulary definitions. Crystal went back to working on stuff and not telling us she had already done it so that we can get it checked. Andrew wrote so sloppy that you couldn't read it. Crystal did all of her math problems except for 4 and then wouldn't change the answers on those. Andrew finally made it to math and acted like he couldn't do his paper even though he could do it on the white board. Crystal began to shed fake tears over her math, while pretending that she really thought you could subtract and get a bigger number as your answer.

Oh yes, my RADishes were back to their games today. It is ok, because they didn't get the pity that they were hoping for at my grandparents' house. They got to sit on the hill where I could see them out the window. Of course, they didn't get the cookies or ice cream either! They looked all sad while they did it, but the pity never came for them.

I discussed with them how "not mad" I was. I told them that I understand that they just can't handle normal interactions with other adults. I let them know that at ages 9 and 11, I expect them to tell me things with words. This might sound like "Mom, I just can't handle having fun at Mommom and Daddy Bill's house today, so I need to sit outside". Then I could reply with "Thank you for letting me know how you are feeling. I would be glad to let you sit on the porch if you'd like and I will bring your treats to you out there.". I reminded them that talking with words helps them get what they need and prevents them from using their behavior to speak for them. I reminded them that using words to get help doesn't have consequences, but using bad behavior does. I let them know that if they had used their words then they wouldn't have gotten behind on their school work and had more to do tomorrow either.

Big hugs and a bedtime reminder of how much they are loved did follow. I really do love those two little brats, but I wish they would use words instead of behaviors! I hope they are back to behaving tomorrow. I will probably know when I first look at them. You can see their wheels turning for ways to try and get away with RAD behaviors at first glance if you know what you are looking for, but sometimes it is scary to look. lol Praying hard for the RAD to go to the back and love to come to the front!

Work or Run or RAD

That is the new rule around here. They can either do their school work or run back and forth. Now I am not going to lie to you and tell you that they literally "ran", bc that isn't easy to get to happen for much at a time. I did have three children however that made a lot of trips between the two sides of the fence. Forrest, Jose, and Crystal all did finally accomplish something today. When they went to bed tonight they were quite tired and feeling much more compliant. I sure hope they wake up that way! They've been told that there is a set time for each school assignment and the first deadline that they miss will mean they go back out to run (or walk) some more.

Andrew did what I knew he would. He peed his pants again last night. As a result, his world has shrunk to be a much smaller world again. He has decided to revisit baby land. He took the opportunity to scream the entire time that the construction people were here today. I am sure that he will be back to "real world" here before long.

God is good and I am so glad that some day I will see the results of the rough days with this crew. lol I really do love being their mommy, even on days like this. (There was no sarcasm there either. lol)

The Three Homeschooling Nightmares (Oh Wait Those are My Kids! roflol)

Oh yes, the beginning of the homeschool can be interesting. Jose has never homeschooled before. Crystal and Andrew both homeschooled for the end part of last year, but also both have Reactive Attachment Disorder. Those three have all decided to be upleasant for the moment.

First there is Andrew. Andrew is delaying any writing assignments right now. He just never finishes them correctly. He has several ways of doing this. He will refuse to write about the topic and instead write about something competely off the wall. He won't relate a topic to himself that is supposed to be about him. (An example of this is when we read a Berenstein Bears book individually and then they were to write about what the bears learned in paragraph one and then in paragraph two write about how that applies to them personally. He will only write about how it applies to someone else.) Then if those two means won't work for a specific topic then he writes 2 or 3 of the four sentences EXACTLY THE SAME. Oh yes, Andrew is quite a trip. He is now writing the sentence "I will quit acting ridiculous because I am loved." over and over as well as writing words that he needs to learn to spell. It is very hard to pull those tricks with that, but I'm sure he'll figure something out.

Next, let's discuss Crystal. See Crystal is showing huge improvements in her academic abilities. The problem now is that Crystal doesn't tell me when she is done with an assignment or ask for anything that she needs. If she needs assistance, then she says NOTHING. If her pencil breaks, then she doesn't get a new sharpened pencil that is sitting on the table. She also doesn't go sharpen her pencil in the electric sharpener or even ask me to sharpen the pencil. She just sits there and does NOTHING. If she gets to something and gets stuck, she doesn't ask for help. She once again does NOTHING. Now do you see how this could be a problem? I have asked her over and over. I have explained over and over that she is important and should care enough about herself to ask, speak, or do. She still does NOTHING. She is now writing about that, because it is keeping her from completing her work. She is writing the same as Andrew.

Last, let's discuss Jose. He does everything except math for the most part. He's doing the same things that he caused grief with on homework last year. He will do about half of the problems on a page right on the first try and do the rest wrong about 5 times (I promise that I'm not exaggerating) before he does it correctly. I was sitting at the table with him to keep him going on Friday, because he was very close to getting done. I was prodding him a little to keep him moving. I guess the fear of getting done and being able to feel accomplished over came him. Next thing I know, he has a problem like 65 x 28 and he has written 65 eight times down his paper and is going to add rather than multiply. He kept looking at me to make sure that I would notice. I know he wanted me to argue with him. Instead I told him that I understood that he wanted to go sit in his bed. He is now writing the same sentence and multiplication facts for his weekend activity. He admits that he knows those facts and thinks that admitting it should be enough to keep from writing them. I told him that now he will know them better.

Now, you may wonder if any of this makes me crazier or angry. The answer is NO. I have had a lot of things bigger than this in my parenting journey. I know that I am being tested. I am ok with that as long as they are ok with the answer to the test. YES, I LOVE THEM ENOUGH TO GIVE THEM LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES AND NOT GIVE THEM A NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE. I wonder if this test will restart on Monday? lol

Just laugh. It is healthy to laugh.

A Lion at the Table

Recently it has seemed that we have a lion at our table one or two times a day. See Zeeky, who loves to eat by the way, has begun to want to slouch down at the table. It started with him wanting to do that so that he would be able to "scoot" the food in his mouth. (Now mind you, he is very good at feeding himself, but just wanted to be lazy.) I was certainly not going to allow that behavior from anyone, let alone Zeeky who has a history of not chewing his food well and needing me to Heimlich him. Once Zeeky realized that I wasn't going to allow it, he just proceeded to do it more.

Now somewhere along the way Zeeky got the nickname "Zeeky Monster". There are many reasons for this name. One of those reasons would be the behavior that he exhibited when not allowed to slouch down like that. See a "Zeeky Monster" is known to have outbursts where he slaps his own head (times past have also seen him to bang his own head on glass, brick, or anything else he could) HARD. Zeeky would never hurt anyone else really, but his own head is another story. Our medical provider told me awhile back that I needed to get a papoose board (for those who don't know what that is - it is about the size of an ironing board and has velcro to hold him tight which is very calming for children like Zeeky and are often used in medical instances to restrain children for procedures where they must hold still for their own safety - they are very expensive, but have helped him so much) for him to keep him safe during these episodes. It worked wonderfully and the instances of him doing such things was greatly reduced. It now seems that these episodes only occur just before a huge gain in the speech arena, which is what I keep hope of the entire time we have these weeks of behaviors.

I have tried everything to stop the behaviors at the table. I have offered special treats, bought a booster seat to strap him in, sent him to a safe room, and even used the papoose board to stop him from slapping himself. Nothing helped and he would slap himself so hard upside the head and face that I thought we may have to go ask for medication. I am VERY opposed to medication unless they are a NECESSITY, but I thought that they might be getting to be one for him. I really felt that he was in control and doing it all on purpose though, which is why I haven't yet gone for medication and have continued to try behavior management instead.

Today after the morning church services we came home and had dinner. He immediately started the "lion roaring" so to speak. I decided to put him in a safe room and not let him disrupt dinner, but listen to make sure he didn't continue to slap himself too much either. I returned to dinner and reminded everyone to not comment or give him any feedback for his behavior. Shortly thereafter, he began to open the door and yell "Mom, . . . . . " and slam it back. I have no clue what came after "MOM" because I don't think he really has those words yet. I also believe that his frustration is due to that. The poor kid wants to back talk and can't so he is talking with his behavior instead.

The yelling and door slamming was getting old. I made a comment that I wished I still had "the bunny". (The bunny was an animated toy that he HATED and the kids use to put it in their rooms to keep him out.) I then remembered that the "lion" in the sensory room that sung and moved was another thing that I made the kids not get near him for the same reason. I went and dug it out. The next time he opened the door and screamed, I hit the button just in front of him. He immediately screamed and went and hid his head under the covers. He didn't make another sound!

After the rest of the kids were done eating, I went and told Zeeky that he needed to come finish his food. As soon as we got back to the table, he went right back to it. I hit the button on the lion and he immediately quit worrying about fighting about sitting up! I sat the lion on the table and told him to sit up and eat his food nicely. He did! He also did so the rest of the day!

Needless to say, that LION is going to be invited to our meals for awhile. I think once he gets back into the habit of eating nicely, then we will be able to take the lion away and continue to have our normal peaceful meals.

So the "roaring Zeeky" has been tamed and THE SINGING LION has been invited to the table. The best part is that knowing that lion could sing is all it takes to tame Zeeky and I don't even have to listen to it sing! Remember that "discipline" is about TEACHING and not about punishing. I think that Zeeky just learned that he isn't the only thing that can "roar" and that eating nicely and safely at the table is a good choice. Different kids have different currency, but once you find it you can use it to help shape their behavior. I don't thing THAT LION will have to stick around for long in order to turn a bad habit into a good one. Sometimes its all about breaking the pattern of bad behavior.

God is good! I'm glad that He made things that "roar" whether they are children or lions (even fake ones)!

Teenager Wisdom

Denzell has been talking to me a lot lately about what he thinks. I LOVE THAT!

You always wonder as a parent which things make a positive difference or if you are just spitting in the wind so to speak. I've been quite encouraged that he is far enough removed from past difficulties to bring up those type of subjects with me. I love that he feels he can talk to me and is mature enough to think about the things that he is telling me. Also I guess if I was to be truly honest, it is nice to get a pat on the back from your kids when it comes to how you are doing with raising them.

He let me know recently that some major decisions that we made for him are things that he believes really helped him. We made him room with Andrew where there was a door alarm several years ago after some dishonesty and food issues both came up. The door alarm would stop the sneaking food to a degree and would also make it to where any further dishonesty would be less likely. We gave him the choice of telling us the truth about where some of his money went or move to that room and he packed his stuff and went. The food issue was a bigger problem as well because of his high blood pressure and the specific foods that he was hiding. He let me know that rooming with Andrew stopped him in his tracks and also really made him think about the choices that he was making as well as their effects on his life.

I am big into "writing" for discipline. I have been known to make children write reports every time that they have a behavior while upping the number of pages each time. I require that they write about what they did, why they did it, how they could have dealt with the situation better, and often what the Bible says about their behavior as well. Denzell said that those reports really did help him to see the choices he was making and change them.

Denzell was the first child that I pulled out of school this time. He was hanging out with a group of kids that didn't have the same values and allowing them to download songs onto his mp3 player that made my ears turn inside out. Shortly after that he thanked me because he said it had kept him out of a lot of trouble. He has since told me reasons why he thinks it is best for everyone when I was pondering pulling the rest out. He says that he has learned lots more at home and is glad to not be exposed to some of the things that children in public school are exposed to as well.

I must say that he has really turned into a great young man that I am so proud to have call me "mom". He is mature, helpful, insightful, and someone who wants to do the right thing. I am so glad that he can see that the limitations, structure, and report writing weren't just me trying to be "mean". I am even more glad that he used those things to help him get through a rough spell and turn things to "great". Having your child tell you what he learned from the discipline and behavioral management you used is such a blessing and seeing the results is a blessing that I can't even describe. I am so blessed to be the mom to the crew.