Ok, I thought I would write this on April 1st, but I just couldn't manage it. I was just too emotional to even talk about being emotional.
Here are some things everyone should know about those of us waiting. I actually had another adoptive mom ask how I was holding up. She said that on Facebook I look really positive and she knew that I had to be a wreck so to speak.
The truth is that often times people ask how things are going. I say "Fine, just please pray for the paperwork to move and for the kids and that Keith will be fed and cared for".
I walk into church smiling.
I go through Walmart being pleasant.
When someone asks at the wrong moment, I turn it into a lighter thing and say that I'm going to get a room at the mental hospital if the paperwork doesn't move.
The truth about how I'm doing is "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
I can't say and look how I really feel. I have 13 kids here that are counting on me to be what keeps their worlds steady. They deserve to have a mom who is keeping it together, even if inside she is screaming. They deserve a mom who can have fun with them and enjoy their childhood with them, because they are here and they are worth the extra effort.
On the days that are hardest I get them busy with something (movies are great for that since we don't watch much tv) and tell Denzell that I'm going to sneak and take a nap. I lay in my bed and cry and beg God to pull the devil off of us and move that paperwork. I beg Him to make someone pick Keith up and give him a bottle. I beg that Keith's diaper will be changed. I beg Him to make them come home quickly. I beg that they are all kept safe and given dreams of a family who adores them while they sleep, so that they will hold onto hope. Then I fall asleep for 20 minutes or so and wake up knowing that my Father is big enough to take care of it. I also have peace knowing that God knows how much I love them and understands my despair.
No one really wants to hear how I really feel. What would people do if they said "How are you doing?" and I said "Oh about like you'd be doing if your children were being held hostage in some other country where you couldn't take care of them and your baby was starved to the point that he was only 12 pounds at 5 years old"????? I can bet that they'd never ask again! They also wouldn't understand though. See most people don't fall completely head over hills in love with children that they've never held or touched. They have no idea what it is like to love a child that they haven't given birth to and they don't imagine that it could be the same deep love. IT IS!!! It is the love that you have for any of your kids. It is the love that means you would let someone chop off your leg if it would get them home and make them safe and healthy. It is just the same as if they took your baby you'd never held from the hospital and put them in the horrible place where Keith is.
IT HURTS EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!
I don't go 5 minutes without the tears welling up and the choking feeling in my throat.
It takes a concious effort to appear "ok" and look "happy" for my kids.
Today a good friend asked how things were and I told her that the devil has attacked us in 150 ways since Brent got back. She hugged me and I couldn't keep from crying. There were no kids and I knew she was a "safe" person to be real with. Boy did I feel better later! Being "real" for a few minutes made it a little longer this evening before the desire to fall in a pile and cry for my babies came and I choked it back.
That's what everyone needs to know. I'm sure you all know other adoptive moms. This is our reality. Pray for us and more importantly PRAY FOR OUR KIDS! Pray for our processes. Pray for each person who touches the paperwork. Pray for those who are the "caregivers" for our kids. PRAY!
Thanks for reading! Just trying to be "real". Maybe other moms can share my "real" and let others know how their lives are going right now. God is good and He holds us together, but it is HARD.
Please go check out the HIDDEN TREASURES AUCTION that is being done for Keith right now. There are over 100 items up to bid on!