Ok, I thought I would write this on April 1st, but I just couldn't manage it. I was just too emotional to even talk about being emotional.
Here are some things everyone should know about those of us waiting. I actually had another adoptive mom ask how I was holding up. She said that on Facebook I look really positive and she knew that I had to be a wreck so to speak.
The truth is that often times people ask how things are going. I say "Fine, just please pray for the paperwork to move and for the kids and that Keith will be fed and cared for".
I walk into church smiling.
I go through Walmart being pleasant.
When someone asks at the wrong moment, I turn it into a lighter thing and say that I'm going to get a room at the mental hospital if the paperwork doesn't move.
The truth about how I'm doing is "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
I can't say and look how I really feel. I have 13 kids here that are counting on me to be what keeps their worlds steady. They deserve to have a mom who is keeping it together, even if inside she is screaming. They deserve a mom who can have fun with them and enjoy their childhood with them, because they are here and they are worth the extra effort.
On the days that are hardest I get them busy with something (movies are great for that since we don't watch much tv) and tell Denzell that I'm going to sneak and take a nap. I lay in my bed and cry and beg God to pull the devil off of us and move that paperwork. I beg Him to make someone pick Keith up and give him a bottle. I beg that Keith's diaper will be changed. I beg Him to make them come home quickly. I beg that they are all kept safe and given dreams of a family who adores them while they sleep, so that they will hold onto hope. Then I fall asleep for 20 minutes or so and wake up knowing that my Father is big enough to take care of it. I also have peace knowing that God knows how much I love them and understands my despair.
No one really wants to hear how I really feel. What would people do if they said "How are you doing?" and I said "Oh about like you'd be doing if your children were being held hostage in some other country where you couldn't take care of them and your baby was starved to the point that he was only 12 pounds at 5 years old"????? I can bet that they'd never ask again! They also wouldn't understand though. See most people don't fall completely head over hills in love with children that they've never held or touched. They have no idea what it is like to love a child that they haven't given birth to and they don't imagine that it could be the same deep love. IT IS!!! It is the love that you have for any of your kids. It is the love that means you would let someone chop off your leg if it would get them home and make them safe and healthy. It is just the same as if they took your baby you'd never held from the hospital and put them in the horrible place where Keith is.
IT HURTS EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!
I don't go 5 minutes without the tears welling up and the choking feeling in my throat.
It takes a concious effort to appear "ok" and look "happy" for my kids.
Today a good friend asked how things were and I told her that the devil has attacked us in 150 ways since Brent got back. She hugged me and I couldn't keep from crying. There were no kids and I knew she was a "safe" person to be real with. Boy did I feel better later! Being "real" for a few minutes made it a little longer this evening before the desire to fall in a pile and cry for my babies came and I choked it back.
That's what everyone needs to know. I'm sure you all know other adoptive moms. This is our reality. Pray for us and more importantly PRAY FOR OUR KIDS! Pray for our processes. Pray for each person who touches the paperwork. Pray for those who are the "caregivers" for our kids. PRAY!
Thanks for reading! Just trying to be "real". Maybe other moms can share my "real" and let others know how their lives are going right now. God is good and He holds us together, but it is HARD.
Please go check out the HIDDEN TREASURES AUCTION that is being done for Keith right now. There are over 100 items up to bid on!
so many people are holding you and the children up in prayer - sending transatlantic hugs xx
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel Amanda. I am sad. All the time. Trying not to worry, trusting God is taking care of our girls while we wait. Wait for paperwork, sitting on a desk. Somewhere. For days. Hoping and praying that our children know we are coming back. Sad in my heart, but trying to not show it on my face. Because, as you said, there are children here who need their Mom to be joyful, to cheer them on. To hug and love them and remind them how truly grateful I am God let me be their Mom. In the meantime, you are not alone. And we are praying. For us, for you, and for so many other families we have come to know and care for. And for so many little faces we have seen that don't have a family yet.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I know how it feels to wait, it took us months to get our "golden ticket" when we were waiting for Timothy. I didn't know his condition beyond what another Momma who'd seen him could tell me. I knew he was in a "better" baby house but I was also told that he was literally within days of being transferred to an institution. I feared what that meant, and what it might do to him if we didn't get there in time. I know the questions that you ask God, and I have also heard His answers to "trust in Him" and to be patient. It's so hard, He gives us a Mother's heart, soft for our children. Not knowing from one moment to the next how your sweet child is being cared for threatens to break that heart. Know that there are prayers going up for all of your children, you, and Brent from all over the world. God has a plan. Hold on to Jesus Amanda. And, when I ask how you are doing, feel free to be real. Hugs to you my friend!!!
ReplyDeleteOnce again Amanda, you've written down my life, my thoughts, my real.
ReplyDeleteYour posts usually move me in some way and today you brought me to tears. Trying so desparately to keep life normal here for the kids here at home who desparately need their mom right here and present with them, but I'm not. My body is here, but my heart and soul are halfway around the world in two separate orphanages aching for my daughters who should have been home months ago, except for the d**n paperwork! Love you - Thank you.