Progress on the Homeschool Front

Well, three of my boys HATE to write, color, and complete projects that include that stuff.  Cody is still preschool age, so his isn't as big of a deal.  Zeeky hates to do that stuff, but has begun to comply.  He also has shown that he is very bright and learning in other ways, so I'm always happy about that.  Jacob participates in coloring and tracing, but often puts little effort into it and will scribble hoping for a reaction which I refuse to give. 

I just have to share their accomplishments from the end of last week. 

Cody is only 5 and is smart as a tack. 

Cody has CP, but gets around great and does well in all areas.

I found this new book to work with him on actually coloring the WHOLE picture. 

He is good in all other areas, but completely coloring something in has been an issue. 

I can't get the picture to turn around to right side up,

but you can see the yellow page is done and the blue page is not done.

These small spaces surrounded by the color gave us a "good job" on coloring that will hopefully carry over to other coloring projects later on. 

He knows all his letter, colors, can write his name, and is ahead in all other areas,

except for completely coloring in a picture. 

Next up is Zeeky.

Zeeky is 7 years old.

He has FAS, drug exposure in utero, brain matter that didn't form properly,

Reactive Attachement Disorder, Autism, and who knows what other diagnoses could be thrown at him.

He is very bright, but he learns through musical means.

He hates to write or color in any capacity, but is getting better.

Most of my children with Autis, are slow to write and color - so I keep pushing but help them learn through means that they are more willing and able to learn through.

this picture won't turn either, but you can see that he attempted and did pretty well!

Jacob is last, but most certainly not least!

Jacob has Autism, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and Selective Mutism.

I've only heard about 2 or 3 words from him in the last 2 years or so,

but he doesn't generally talk to adults.

All of those words have been in the last 3 months, so we are making progress!

I'm so proud of this.

He stayed mostly in the lines!

He didn't color the stem of the apple, because he knew it shouldn't be red!

He completed them completely and perfectly.

He even traced the words pretty good.  :)

These are things that make a homeschooling, special needs Mommy very happy!!  Progress is great.  Effort and cooperation are even better!!  Three boys doing their work well on the same day, who I often have to push and prod to get work that isn't nearly as complete from, is a gift from God.  It is also proof that if you keep pushing and loving and never give in, then the results come.  :)

I am so blessed to get to be Mommy to  this crew and I can't wait to see the miracles that are yet to come with the kids here and the kids on the way, and maybe even kids we don't even know about yet. 

Please send up lots of prayers.  There is an important meeting that is the next step in our adoption that takes place at 8am my time.  You can read more about it HERE and I will update the adoption blog as soon as we know more.  <3

Large Family Play and Things that were Never Suppose to Happen

Yes, one of my great joys is to listen to my kids play.  I love to listen to them all running about and making up this huge scenes from their imaginations.  The laughing and the giggling mesmorize me!  I catch myself just sitting so still and listening.  I don't want them to know that I am listening to every little word.  Yet as their mother it thrills my soul. 

Today's "players" in the big production running through my house were Julianne, Cody, Zeeky, Destiny, Jacob, Dayton, Andrew, and Crystal.  There was so much going on that my mind couldn't keep up!  Eight children, all playing happily without even ONE argument!  You must know that it thrills a mother's heart to have so many playing at the same time and not one argument. 

Zeeky, Destiny, and Jacob all have Autism diagnoses, along with other "labels".  They are all children who we were told when they came would never pretend play.  That makes me laugh!  All three were supposed to have "mental retardation".  That just plain out makes me mad!  Destiny is one of the brightest people in the world!  Zeeky and Jacob learn differently, but they surely do learn!  I love it when my kids break all the "rules" that were set for them and exceed all expectations!

Andrew and Crystal both have Reactive Attachment Disorder.  They sometimes have some very rough spells.  They've both been home for years.  They've both had good spells and then gone backward.  Its the nature of RAD.  Yet for several weeks Andrew has done the best that he ever has!!!  Crystal just finished a very rough spell and is back to the sweet daughter that I get to enjoy.  Both gave genuine hugs today.  Both laughed and played and ran about as if there wasn't even RAD there.  They'll be more rough times for sure, but today they were pretend playing and goofing off with their siblings.  :)

Then there is Julianne.  She of course didn't say a whole lot during the course of playing.  She ran right with the bunch of them though!  They included her and Dayton protectively made sure that she didn't get run over.  They gave her a part and made believe she filled the role even when maybe she was just a little too ornery to do it. 

Let's not forget Dayton in it all of course.  He is so serious in so many ways, but he was so thrilled that he could keep the younger 4 playing along.  He went ahead and acted silly and pulled the little ones into the game.  He came every few minutes to report some great accomplishment of the younger kids.  He was so thrilled that they were playing along and that Jacob and Zeeky were following directions.  He doted on Julianne and Cody and made them feel important and he had a lot of fun in the process.  If Dayton didn't love his siblings so incredibly much, then he wouldn't have played because he is so "grown up".  Yet Dayton had a blast too!  He had a blast because of being with the brothers and sisters that he loves so much!

Then there is Cody!  Cody is the most recent addition and the youngest (by a little less than 4 months!).  Cody has CP.  I can remember talking to him on Skype before he moved in.  He was asking if someone would help him run the bases when he got home, because he "couldn't run".  lol  He sure can run now!!!  He was all over the place and didn't fall one time - well except for when he was spinning in circles!!  He kept right up with all the other kids and never missed a beat!

Now, do you see why my life is so wonderful!!  I got to listen to all of that while reorganizing my school closet!  All of those things that never were suppose to happen!  Not one fight or argument!  Just lots of giggling and running about, interrupted occassionally by a very proud older brother reporting to me the things that were thrilling him too.  He had no idea that I was fillled with the same thrill while I listened to him playing with them. 

Wow, how I can't wait to hear my next 5 blessings running about and doing things that they aren't expected to do!!  God is amazing!!!!  Being the mom of a large crew in which so many are considered "special needs" means that every single day I get to watch God's miracles unfold right here in my home!

Read Something that Reminded Me to RANT

I was reading one of my favorite blogs to read tonight.  She mentioned that she had been asked about using Respite care for her children with special needs.  I've been asked that many times.  It has been "suggested" that I should.  It was suggested that I set respite up on a regular schedule when our first daughter moved in with us in 2001.  I said "no" then and have continued to do so. 

That is where the RANT comes in!

THESE ARE MY KIDS!  It doesn't matter the route they came they are mine!  Does the rest of the world send their kids to "respite"?????  I surely hope not! 

Most families (the nonadoptive or nonspecial needs families) get asked about "date nights" or how often they get a babysitter.  No, not adoptive and special needs families, we get asked about RESPITE!

Here is how the dictionary (dictionary.reference.com) defines the word "respite":
1. a delay or cessation for a time, especially of anything distressing or trying; an interval of relief: to toil without respite.



2. temporary suspension of the execution of a person condemned to death; reprieve.
 
That really is telling of what people in the world feel about "special needs"!  GRRRR!!!!  It makes me mad every time I hear it.  Just reading the word today made me furious! 
 
I do not consider my special needs kids especially distressing or trying.  Having them not with me isn't "relief", but is especially distressing and trying!  I can't stand to be away from my kids.  Do these people have any idea how hard I worked to get my children HOME!!??!!  Why on earth would I want to send them away????  I think that many people actually consider it a death sentence and think we need reprive!  (Any other special needs parents out there get that feeling?) 
 
My kids have been moved and been without me.  I would never do that to them.  I would never make them feel that I needed them "gone"!  I never would want them to believe for even a second that life without them is bearable - BECAUSE IT ISN'T!  I would give anything to have my other five children HOME!  You'd need a knife to pry my kids lose from my arms - the ones here or across the ocean! 
 
If someone wants to be caring (instead of offensive), then they could say to a parent of special needs kids something like "You know your kids are so much fun and I bet you've not had a night away in years, so why don't you let me (or me and 5 others roflol) come and watch the kids for an evening and you all take a night to go to a movie or out to eat".  See that is "caring".  Now, that being said most of the time I wouldn't even want to leave my kids for an evening with people who really love and enjoy them.  I would probabl much rather that someone just says "Hey, I would love to come over for an evening and spend time with you all", because frankly it isn't like we are going to many people's houses.  lol  Company here is good and the kids are in their environment.  I have nothing to worry about and can just "hang out".  You'd be surprised how quiet and calm it is.  It is relaxed and fun.  People who tried that might even realize that we don't need "respite".
 
Mentioning "respite" to me is offensive and on the wrong day could get you a tongue lashing that I just can't control, because I have paper pregnancy hormones and have been paper pregnant for long enough to give birth to an elephant! 
 
To be safe, just don't ever try to do anything that takes a child away from me without testing my mood.  Sometimes the wounds of how long it took to get them here, the raw ache of my arms to hold my five blessings not yet home, and the love for my kids makes it hard to even send my kids to Sunday School.  I can't imagine how it must feel for a child who has been through so much more than I have to be sent away.  Attachment issues would take a major hit too.  Just realize that if I didn't want 18 kids, then I wouldn't be having 18 kids.  I didn't "accidentally" adopt.  roflol 
 

We Went Out to Eat Last Night

Last night we decided to go out to eat after church.  We decided to go to Bob Evans and hoped that our late night trip would lead to it not being crowded and being seated quickly.  That was a success and we pulled in to a mostly empty parking lot.

As we started to unload the kids, I noticed that there were employees staring quite worriedly at us.  I had to chuckle at the worry on their faces.  If they had known all the "diagnoses" then they would have just slipped quietly out the back door!  I always wonder how fast people would retreat if they knew all the labels.  I mean, just the sight of all of those kids (knowing nothing more) unloading the van caused their blood pressure to rise!

We went in and they ask "How many?" while employees still peeked around the corner.  I had to laugh inside.  I told them "15" and you could see them look around like "nope we weren't hallucinating there really are that many".   They started to move together tables for us, but I let them know that there was no need to move things around.  We can just as easily sit at 4 tables as we can at one long one! 

Things went so smoothly.  My kids are REALLY good in public and especially out to eat.  We had drink orders ready to give immediately.  I had two kids who ordered for themselves (Dayton and Denzell) and I ordered the rest.  (I was letting others order for themselves, but recently they showed that they couldn't handle it and ate until all the food was gone on the big meal and I had vomit to clean up.)  I keep the meals uniform to make it simpler for the waitress and also because if we were home everyone would be eating the same thing anyway.

They brought out the food and everyone was served quickly.  I had ordered extra onion petals that I walked around and handed out.  There were no spills (though I thought Brent was going to spill someone's drink a couple times!).  The kids ate quietly and neatly.  The talking at the tables was low and no one got out of their seats.

The kids really enjoyed hearing the employees that dreaded us so bad comment over and over on their good behavior.  They laughed when we got to the vehicle about all the compliments to Brent and I about what a good job we must be doing.  When we were checking out and they were still complimenting the kids' behavior, I said "I saw your looks of dread when we came in.".  The lady replied with "Yes, but that was BEFORE we knew you and now we WANT you to come back". 

Yes, I was very proud of my crew!  I hope we changed some view points.  Maybe next time they see a large group of kids coming in, they will remember that children can be respectful, calm, and enjoyable.  :)

And for your viewing pleasure cause she really is THAT CUTE:

Jacob Progress

This is something that doesn't happen that often!  There is JACOB PROGRESS! 

I've been working with Jacob to try and get him to do some things on his own.  He has done NOTHING when we are watching for 2 years.  I want him to come out of the room when he gets dressed so we started there and had a few successes.  I decided to push toward him taking care of his bathroom needs once in there.  I wanted him to wipe, pee, and put on a pull up on his own.  (He wouldn't even stand up without being told!) 

Today lots happened!  I said "Jacob wipe, pee, and get your pull up on", from outside the door.  He did it!  I went in and assisted with making sure his hands were clean.  I took him to his room and gave him his clothes to put on.  He did it immediately - even the right way!  The he CAME OUT all on his own!  A little while later, he was trying to make baskets with the hoop on a door in the family room.  He made a few shots and was smiling!  He was even catching the rebounds some! 

Don't get me wrong, we have a huge way to go still!  God showed me the progress that I needed to see to give me hope though! 

Praise the Lord!  Jacob is alive inside there and we are gradually winning the battles against the RAD!  God is amazing and I am blessed!

Love that RAD progress!

May I just say that Crystal is such a different girl than she was about a year ago.  To think that for awhile she was trying to make me sick by spraying stuff to affect my asthma is almost hard to imagine.  She was so afraid of being rejected that she couldn't even accept the love and acceptance that we were continually offering. 

Now I see an 11 1/2 year old girl who is gorgeous and loving.  :)  She has her moments when she goes back to pushing away.  It usually comes during school time and she has to see what will happen.  She wants to know if I will believe she is "dumb" I think.  Everyone else did think she was and she felt it for so long.  I know she is smart!  I just have to keep convincing her that she is.  :)

She is ATTACHED!  She is loving.  She will initiate hugs and kisses now.  She made me a card to tell me she loved me the other day.  She wants to help.  She loves to help with Julianne most of all.  (Really who doesn't???  lol)  She wants to help with baking or putting out lunch.  She wants to be a part of OUR FAMILY! 

I am blessed beyond belief to watch this transformation.  She is turning into a beautiful young girl.  She even looks different.  You can see a difference in her.  Sunday, she even let me put blush and lip gloss on her.  She was reminding her Sunday School teacher to ignore Forrest's attempts for pity because it was all a game to get that attention in the wrong way.  lol 

Now, please no one mention this improvement to her.  It would be a sure way to sabotage her.  She is getting there though!  PRAISE THE LORD!

Not Blogged for a Little While

I haven't been on here for a little while. Things have been incredibly busy here. Construction is still dragging on. We did bring boxes of furniture in tonight. We will be putting some together this weekend and the inside is supposed to be finished (and them out of my house lol) by Wednesday. They are doing a great job and are very nice, but we need our "normal" (haha that is funny don't you think) life back.

My last posts were about 3 of the children accepting Jesus as their Savior. Crystal and Destiny are doing great. Andrew is NOT. He did well for a few days, but the devil is fighting him hard. He is back to using his pants part of the time (remember he will be 10 in February and has nothing wrong except the RAD). He is not doing his school work well and always refuses to finish it all. I know that he is learning, but he just won't perform it.

Jose and Forrest have joined ranks with Andrew for the moment. They too are refusing to finish all of their work for any day CORRECTLY. Jose has even tried to tell me that I didn't teach him that 24,000 was bigger than 1,000, so that is why he can't add. roflol GIVE ME A BREAK! Forrest and Jose will tell me that they are "playing games", but yet they still act surprised by their lack of priveleges. HMMM . . . . .

I am sick. A few of the kids have a cold of sorts as well. Brent just got over it. (Dayton says we got it from Daddy and we should "banish" him, which I am inclined to agree with currently. haha) Dayton and I are having to deal with affecting our asthma. I am dealing with it affecting my sinuses as well. Praying God heals it all so we can enjoy the coming week with lots of snow to fly around out there. :)

I hope all is going well where you are. I will try to manage a post tomorrow about Reece's Rainbow. I am praying that God allows us to be a part of that adventure for huge blessings as soon as Cody makes it home. :) Right now it is already tomorrow and I need to head for bed!

Crystal Accepted Jesus too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, you read that correctly. Tonight Crystal came to me and said that she really wanted to get saved. I asked her why and she said that she needed to quit sitting and thinking about hell. I took her to the same quiet spot that I took Andrew to just a couple nights ago.

We talked for awhile. I reminded her of all the stuff that I reminded Andrew of in the previous post. She was very serious. I knew that it had been on her mind for quite some time. About 6 months ago I found a letter she had written to God about how she wanted to get saved. With most of my kids that would be an immediate time to talk. The problem is that if I push RAD kids toward something then they go the other way! I had to wait until it was something that she came to me about.

I asked her what "sins" she had committed that she needed Jesus to save her from. She told me that a lot of them were "hate". She went on to tell me things that I very well knew, but had never had her outright tell me. She said that when she came here she knew that we loved her very much, but that she always "hated" us very much. She cried a lot. She said that she knew that God wouldn't want her to hate us and that she did a lot of other sins too.

Crystal asked Jesus to save her and He did! She was very happy and I hope that I see a lot more of her happiness. She has been giving me hugs for awhile now. Tonight they were a little sweeter. She told me that she does love me and that she is glad that we are her family. WOW GOD IS AMAZING! Of course, when God comes into someone's heart there must be LOVE there because GOD IS LOVE!

I ask again, as I did about Andrew, that no one give them attention as a result of this. They need their salvation to be about a relationship with Christ. Attention is so bad for the RAD kids that it could get them completely off track. As their mother I am so THRILLED that they have accepted Jesus as their Savior. At the same time, I am terrified that people will show them "normal" attention like they would others. I'm terrified that a little of that could get them completely off track. Please join me in praying for God to spare them from that and continue to make their hearts to heal.

Andrew Got Saved (yes him too!)

Thurday evening at dinner Andrew told me that he was going to get saved when he was a teenager. I told him that was fine. He said that it was because when he is mad at me, he thinks about how he will do it then since he knows that I want him to do it. I told him that his salvation was just between he and God. I told him that him doing it as a teenager works fine unless he gets killed in a car accident or Jesus comes back before then. I told him that he could leave my thoughts out of it because it was between he and God.

Right before Andrew went to bed, he came to me and said that he needed to be saved right then. I talked to Andrew for over and hour from beginning to end. I wanted to make sure that he understood that salvation was serious. I talked to him about how Jesus literally DIED for him and how it would be spitting in His face as He hung there to not be serious about it. I let him know that asking Jesus into your heart is supposed to mean not only that you don't want to go to hell, but that you want to live for Jesus. I talked about how God is LOVE and he admitted that he'd had a lot of hate inside just out of the blue when I mentioned that. I told him that God KNOWS everything and that He can't be manipulated or tricked or deceived. I reminded him that while many people can see his smile and think it is real even when it is fake, God isn't like that. I reminded him that while he has said he was interested in salvation before, but it was just for attention that God always knows the truth.

I really am 99% sure that Andrew asked Jesus into his heart Thursday evening. I was only 98% sure that night. He seemed sincere and I don't fall for his games too easy. Since then I have seen a huge turnaround in his behavior and even in the look in his eyes. A lot was said and I have seen a lot of "action" that backs it up the past couple days. Please pray for him. I know the devil is going to fight him hard.

Also please if you know us in real life, don't give him attention for this (or anything else for that matter). I really need him to know that he should feel blessed and it is about a relationship with God. Attention will make his RAD flair up really badly.

GOD IS AMAZING!

The Grinch Must Have Been RAD

We watched the Grinch movie the other night. It was a stark reminder and parallel to my RAD kids. The Grinch was green and ugly to the world though so the world immediately thought that something was "wrong" with him. My RADishes are cute and "charming" to the world so no one notices that their hearts are "two sizes too small".

As I watched the Grinch I thought of so many specifics. The Grinch was left outside too long the night he was delivered and no one "noticed him till morning". That is the picture of how my RADishes got their start. No one cared for them in their early years. No one made sure the were safe, warm, and loved.

The Grinch didn't bond to his caregivers, but tried to with a girl at school and cared about what his peers thought in a strange (not by any means normal way). You could see the Grinch cringe when he arrived at that party and realized that his caregivers were there. (I will give you that they were a little wierd, but all the characters on that movie were. lol) At school as a child he didn't do well with the other kids. Part of that was the fault of the other kids who insulted him repeatedly for being "different". As the parent of a RAD child I just wonder what all happened when the camera wasn't rolling. (Please don't think I've gone completely mad. I do know that this was a cartoon, but I'm paralleling it to my RADs.) I know for a fact that RAD kids push every button they can with their peers. They only want to manipulate and not build a relationship.

The Grinch HATED Christmas. See Christmas represents what everyone else LOVED. Being a RADish the Grinch just couldn't conform and love what he should. He had to HATE what those around him loved. Just as my RADishes continue to push away Jesus because they know He is worthy of love and that we love Him. Christmas was a time of joy for the whole community and his family, so the Grinch did everything that he could to ruin it for those around him. He wasn't happy inside and he didn't want anyone else to be happy either. The Grinch had been rejected and was making sure to reject all those around him before they had a chance to love or reject him. He had a miserable existantance and was very happy about that. He didn't want anyone to interject in his self loathe.

When the Grinch did agree to go to the party it was purely to try and make someone else mad or miserable. He went to the party because the little girl told him that it was making the mayor mad. See a RAD gets great joy out of causing others to feel bad. The Grinch was no different.

When things didn't go the way that the Grinch had planned (the "enemy" being sad, though the mayor was cruel), the Grinch went nutty. He threw a big old RAD tantrum! He didn't care how it looked nor did he care if people who did nothing to him suffered. RAD all the way!

Seeing other people happy despite his best attempts to make them unhappy nearly did him in. He couldn't stand that they were happy. How dare anyone be happy! Happiness of anyone else made the void inside of him apparent. RAD some more!

Finally the love of the little girl and the love of others broke through. His heart grew and he was able to love and care about others. He suddenly had a sense of right and wrong that he didn't have before. He was changed!

I am so praying that God will make the heart of my RADishes grow to a normal size. I want them to feel love, know love, and care. I know that God can break through their hearts of ice and bring them out of their misery.

My little Grinches are going to come through this - I just know it!

I Want People to Think I am Dumb!

Yes, this is what I am dealing with at the moment. Forrest, Crystal, Andrew, and Jose have been playing dumb pretty badly for a good portion of our construction for the addition. This is what they use to pull on homework when they went to public school. They did it at school too, but it isn't as obvious when you're in a classroom full of kids and mom isn't looking. I knew they were doing it at times and that they didn't care to get a bad grade, but at the moment it is really obnoxious. (Please don't tell them that I am even a little annoyed, because I am faking it really good right now.)

They have personalities that were shaped by foster care. They do as little as they can get by with of anything that requires effort. They also do as much as they can get by with of whatever they shouldn't do. It really isn't a good combination unless they are hoping to live in cardboard boxes down by the river as their life time goal! I've dealt with it before. Denzell is a good example of it. I fought hard to get him past it for many years and now he is doing much better. He is 15 and does have goals. He works hard at a lot of things. That gives me hope for the others!

Today I told the four of them that I would like for them to write a page in their journals about what is going on. I told them that it needed to include why they are pretending to be dumb. They admit that it is a game some of the time. Its the "why" that is hard to get them to talk about. I have found over the years that if they have to "write" about it then you are more likely to find out the "why".

Jose did the best job of writing about it really. The other three wrote about the same "whys" really, but not as articulate and well. The truth is that they want people to think they are "dumb". They say that their goal is for people to "feel bad" for them. Jose even went as far as to say that he was hoping that if he faked being dumb long enough then I would put him back a grade level so the work would be easier. They all acknowledged in their writing that they knew what they were doing was wrong and that they "should have known" that they wouldn't get by with it.

After writing about it, they all made some progress. They had a lot of papers to correct! Andrew was the funniest about it. I was talking to my grandmother on the phone while I graded his work. I checked the first page and he only missed three out of around 40 problems. As I was nearing the end he says "I know I shouldn't play dumb mom and I'm sorry". I knew at that very moment that I was headed for the next round of "dumb". I could hear in his voice that he was hoping I'd say 'oh Andrew its ok, just try your best from now on'. He was hoping that then I would see the next page and be disappointed that he had lied again. I instead said "Well Andrew, we will talk about that after I grade your math".

I was correct unfortunately. The next page of math was very much the same and within the first two lines he was already missing more than half of them. I handed it back to him and he looked very disappointed that I wasn't surprised.

I've never really wanted anyone to think I was dumb. I can't imagine being lazy enough to want people to think I was dumb just so I wouldn't have to do the work. I also think that "dumb" is somehow safe to them. There aren't expectations so much. There aren't rewards for doing well. There aren't priveleges extra because you completed it and can take a small break before the next activity if you want.

We've got a ways to go, but we will all make it. I remember when Denzell was about Forrest's age, I had to tell him that I'd get a box for him to try out during the next rain. The look on his face is one that I will always remember. lol It was amazing how quick he got some stuff done. haha

A Bathroom for a Bedroom

Andrew was doing so good. Then he decided to choose RAD as his best friend again. His attachments are enough "there" now that he can choose better. It is really just a matter of effort at this point. I mean, it is really a choice when you need to go pee whether to go to the bathroom or to make a hole in your wall and pee in it. I would think it would be an easy choice for most. For Andrew though, it is a toss up!

He had been doing to well. He couldn't stand it with all the fun he was having. How can anyone stand to have priveleges??? The audacity of FUN!

So making a hole in the walls and using it for a toilet he did!

I am not mad really at all. I had hoped he was past that point. I think he did it while we thought he was 'being good'. I think he gets joy from thinking that he snuck something and managed to get by with some plan.

I haven't said anything about it. I don't plan to say anything about it. Brent went in and got it clean. He then put a large piece of plywood over that area to stop it from recurring. I plan to have the rest of the walls covered in plywood as well. I will then paint the walls "pee yellow". I am going to draw "poopy characters" on the walls and give them eyes. I am going to have someone draw a toilet that says "don't forget to flush". I am going to draw circles in case he needs to practice his aim. I am not going to say anything.

If he really thinks that I care if he pees on his walls in his room, then he is wrong. I care that he is making those choices for himself. I need him to realize that I am not affected negatively. I want him to see that my world is still ok. I think I may get some brown playdough and make him some "poopy character" action figures. All the other kids get to have their rooms decorated in whatever they are interested in. We let them play with things that interest them. I will do the same for him.

If you think I am joking when he read this then please continue to think so. If you think I am serious, then you must be raising a child like this or have learned to understand RAD. I personally just know that he always goes back to the bodily functions. In his foster home years ago, he peed from the top bunk into Forrest's ear on the bottom bunk first thing in the morning. This child just won't lose the obsession with trying to affect others with his bodily functions. I am going to let him think that I've joined his obsession and see how fun it is then! hahaha I've had to parent other children before by making them think that I would join their behaviors or find them funny when they were trying to be a pain. This is a step further, but I will go there for him. I mean really "pictures of poop on the walls" or "real poop in the walls" - not a hard choice.

*A special thanks goes out to a great friend who is always there by phone in the "crappy" times, but who can think outside the box with me. LOVE YOU!*

Good Stuff on the RAD Front

Please don't tell them. It is a huge secret! lol Crystal and Andrew are doing REALLY WELL. They took advantage of the clemency and are doing great. Andrew was the 2nd one done with his school work today. He is ROUNDING, which he had previously declared he couldn't do. Crystal is the only one of the five 3rd-5th graders who hasn't memorized for first 20 presidents. She has memorized 10 though and is very close to getting all 20!

Andrew is doing the best right now. He has been here the longest of the 3 RADishes. He has been living with us full time for 4 years and 7 months. He was 5 years old when he moved in. I am seeing huge improvements with him. At this moment he is playing just like everyone else! He is being helpful. He is polite. He and Dayton are playing almost like they did when they were little and he wasn't with us full time yet. (See he didn't have RAD behaviors until he had been with us a little while full time and we had done respite for him for 18 months before he moved in full time. Back then they were best of friends. After he realized that he was here to stay, he went from a very active child, to a full blown RADish. He began the behaviors, like screaming incessantly and tearing things up, that his foster mother had to deal with during the time before that.) It is so good to see them reconnecting. It is so good to see him being the smart and sweet little boy that I've known was in there this whole time.

Crystal is doing good. She still has a "look" in her eye that I know means we've still got a ways to go. She suffered so many moves that I know it is harder for her to trust. I see her looking for a chance to "snag" a pair of underwear before I get them locked in the closet. I know that she is wanting to resort back to peeing on her underwear and hiding them. I am being very diligent. She wants to sneak and do it, but she isn't. Otherwise she is doing ok. She is back and forth between "chatter" and "silence" with me. She is playing well with the other kids. She isn't doing anything particularly bad. I will take that! She has only been here for almost 3 years. She was 8 when she came. We still have a while to go!

God is so good!

Update on Clemency

So far so good - I think. (Please no one walk up to them if you know us in "real life" and tell them they are doing good or they will resort to bodily functions!)

Andrew and Crystal are RADishes. I know what to expect from their "good times". It is going about the same way as I expect. (In case you are wondering raising my expectations will result in my looking off guard or feeling disappointment, not a change in behavior - so please don't tell me to expect better of them.) They are both trying every little chance to "get away" with something. It is their lives' desire to somehow feel like they are a step ahead of me. I have to be as overvigilant as they are. They try to go past their limitations in how far from supervision they can be. They try to get into the kitchen area without being noticed. They try to "borrow" things from the other children in hopes that the other kids might let their guard down and receive something broken back or not at all. They try to get more of the "family books" off of the shelf than they are allowed to have at once. They try to do ANYTHING that they aren't allowed to do. If I don't catch them on something then they will try to go a step farther. Their hope is to "gain control", "manipulate", or "deceive" most of the time.

That being said, they are doing well considering. Their attempts are quickly met with a quick reminder that I DO see them. I DO know where they are heading. I will not let them get by with it. After probably 100 attempts in the first 24 hours at getting by with something - ANYTHING, they have slowed down a lot. Andrew has been saying "I am sorry" when he loses a privelege or gets a verbal reprimand. He has complied with doing his "remedial math" that is necessary until he quits playing dumb on his normal math. This is good since I am making him write his numbers over and over, which he hates the redundancy of doing. He even admitted to playing dumb on his language assignment and apologized after correcting. Crystal is doing ok. She has a look on her face too much of the time that says she is not wanting to attach further. At other times she is more willing though and is giving some real hugs at bedtime (I think).

Forrest and Jose are very glad to have received clemency as well. They don't have full blown RAD. They have more what would be called "attachment issues" or I think it is more "foster care issues". They are the issues that every child who has come to me ( at least the ones over age 4 when they moved in full time and I don't know about some of the others yet) seem to possess. They tear up clothing, or have food issues, or lie alot, or try to get pity from others, or are set in mediocracy with feet dug in and refusal to try to succeed, or constantly trying to get something by in some set area, or testing to see if they are really loved, or push to see if you'll really "keep" them. Those are just behaviors that I expect. I know to expect them and I generally know how to modify them as well. It can be slow going. It is NOTHING compared with the RAD kids. RAD kids do all of those behaviors all at the same time and add in a lot of other components as well. They seem to appreciate that they didn't have to finish those reports that were piling up. They also seem to not want to go "back" to that hole that they were digging for themselves.

Clemency worked out very well. I don't recommend that you ever do it often. I don't want my kids to ever have hope that it might happen to get them out or they might not care to dig that hole. I do want them to know that I loved having a good weekend with them all. I loved seeing them all out of trouble at the same time. I loved movie time where everyone had priveleges. I loved seeing all the boys playing ball together without anyone sitting out. I loved seeing what it will be like when God brings them all through their rough spells. I remind myself that God is going to bring them all through. I praise Him for that.

Clemency Granted

I have been so excited about our little guy coming and so frustrated that our children with RAD just can't seem to dig out of their holes. On top of that Forrest and Jose had gotten into a rut as well. It seemed that might never dig out. I decided several days ago that Friday would be the day to grant "clemency" to them. I knew that if I did it before Friday, then there would be no chance of them making it to the weekend and still having priveleges. I really wanted them to get another good taste of what life SHOULD be like.

While we were homeschooling today I let them know. I said "I have decided to grant clemency to everyone, but I need to know if you want it." I knew that they wouldn't be sure what it meant. I also knew that we've been working on better dictionary skills and using it when needed. (Homeschooling moms are always teaching!) Dayton and Jose said "Well, we don't know if we want it because we don't know what it means. What if it means that you are going to kill us or something?". I have to admit that made me laugh. It also made me feel accomplished, because we've also discussed making sure that you don't just "follow" others without knowing that they are doing what is right. lol

Andrew spoke up at that point. He said, "I think it probably means MERCY and I want it!". See I always tell people that he is a smart kid. I know that if he'd use half of the energy to do the right thing that he does to try so hard to do wrong, then he could accomplish tons!

Dayton spoke up next, "Well I am getting the dictionary!". He went to get it and looked the word up quickly. He then declared, "Andrew you were right!". They got a little noisy at that point. I quickly realized that the ones who get into the most trouble were planning what else they might be able to get away with now. I had to quickly remind that "clemency" would get rid of the writing assignments and give them normal priveleges, but that any further behaviors would land them with more consequences.

They quickly started to chat about "how this could happen". I never give an inch. I quickly learned that they were very smart. They declared that this had to do to my happiness over "child #13". I told them that I had decided that since I got that blessing, that I would give them a chance to receive one as well. Dayton told them, "Smell . . . . your taste of freedom!". He was even excited for them! I got hugs and listened to lots of happy chatter.

I don't know how long it will take for them to get into more trouble. History would make you believe that it won't be long. I want to believe that maybe they will take the opportunity to learn something. I want them to know that I do love them and want them to have a happy life. I don't want them to think that I will do this again any time soon, but I don't think they would dare bank on that. I do want them to know that I would do anything that I can to help them. They started to try and take advantage a few times this evening, but quickly backed down. We will see what tomorrow holds!

The RAD kids do know that they still have very strong limits. They still can't receive attention from other adults. They still can't be roaming the house unattended. They still have other rules that aren't rules for others at our house. They also know that those rules are not punishments, but rules in place to help them get better and not sabotage themselves.

What will they do with this clemency!?!

RAD Christian?

I've discussed this issue with friends before and I was reminded of it tonight while reading a blog that a fellow adoptive parent wrote. I thought I'd share my thoughts on this with whoever is reading. :)

God has helped me to learn a lot of things through parenting. Frankly, I've learned more about my relationship with my Father since becoming a parent than I ever did before that point. I was a child and teen who really valued what the Bible had to say and what God had done for me, but there was no way to fully understand (as much as earthly possible anyway) the hugeness of it until I became a parent myself. Raising children with Reactive Attachment Disorder has really changed the way that I look at myself and God by leaps and bounds especially.

Let's think for a moment about the parallel between children with RAD/me as their parent versus me as God's child/God as the Parent. Children with RAD suffered in their early years and never learned to trust a "parent" figure, therefore they just can't wrap their minds around trusting me to fully take care of them. They grasp for control and make their situations worse because they just can't believe that I can totally handle it and them be ok.

Does that ring any bells for anyone besides me??? I mean, just think about it! As a child in this world, everyone fails you at some point. The world in general is looking out for them and them alone most of the time. People die. People fail us. Parents in the human world are NOT perfect. People make mistakes. Some people do it on purpose and others just because they are human. I have been known to say when faced with the human condition at its worse, "People just suck!".

Then we become a child of God! We know that we have a God who literally gave His Son in place of us. We know that we have a God who made the universe. We know that we have a God who already has all the answers to the problems we face today, tomorrow, and 20 years from now. We know we have a FATHER who has NEVER made a mistake. He is perfect beyond even our wildest imaginations, yet He chose to make, save, and love us.

YET, we just can't give up total control. I mean, surely I'm not the only one?? Do you do it too? I take stuff to the throne of my Father and lay it down at His feet. No need to worry any more! Then I just head right back over and pick up my worry and let it way me down more. I know He has a plan, so I just walk through life while following the path He has set for me by faith? Well not quite. Instead I often wonder if I'm sure I'm on the right path or if I can hear His voice clearly. He gave me children that He had planned for me, so I should be able to do what I know is right and just TRUST. Instead, I have to be careful not to wonder what others might think of the ways I have to deal with their issues. I know it is the right way, but I worry that others are judging me. I know I am leaving which children and how many up to God, but yet I feel offended when others say "Surely your done!". I know that I don't have to worry, fret, or wonder. I KNOW THAT! Yet I do those things.

See just as a child with RAD, those are things that come natural to me. My children with RAD have brains that just don't trust. They can overcome that, but they choose over and over to do what is easiest. Its easiest for them to depend on themselves. Its easiest to not trust and not risk being hurt or let down. I'm not perfect by any means. At some point I'm sure I've let them down, made the wrong choice, or even not believed them when they were being truthful because I can't tell the difference and lying is their norm.

My Father is perfect! (Not my earthly one by any means.) I have a Father who I can trust entirely. He will never make a mistake. He will never let me down. He always has the answer! He is completely and entirely Wonderful, Powerful, Loving, and In Control.

When I think of it from that angle, I sure do get a reality check. I expect my kids, who have been through more than any of us know, to trust me and give up their control. How much more should I give up mine to God, my Father?!! That includes my worry about how to fix my kids with RAD. lol Isn't that freeing and completely terrifying, yet wonderously great??!!

So if you are a RAD Christian like I am, then try some attachment therapy with your Heavenly Father today! You'll be glad you did and you'll be a more rounded parent. :) You can parent your children (even those with RAD) knowing that we have a perfect example to follow. He doesn't let us by with being RAD. He still loves us though, even if we pee in a spiritual corner. :)

A Talk with the Two Non-Mute RADs

Crystal and Andrew have decided that they are completely incapable of homeschooling right now. It is amazing that knowing there are other adults OUTSIDE is still enough to make them play these games. Our construction will still be going on for a while, so I don't know if they'll pull out of this before then or not.

Crystal is amazingly ridiculous. She is 11 and was doing well with her homeschool curriculum for quite a bit of the time. Now she mysteriously SUBTRACTS and gets a BIGGER number than she had originally. I never knew that something like 1,345 - 642 could give you a number something like 9,803! I just have to laugh about it, because . . . . well, what else is there to do. I know she knows better.

Andrew has also mysteriously lost his brain function. He can't "round" numbers any more. He might round 15 numbers while you have him do them on the board, but when given his workbook he is brain dead. I mean I guess I have to laugh at this too. There really is nothing else to do.

I wish I could tell you that they are distracted, but they aren't. This is just one of their "games". They are completely in control of it and if they chose could do it all tomorrow correctly. They are just little pains. They are still hoping with all of their might that someone might really see them pretending to be dumb and rescue them from this mother who knows they are smart. I tried to tell them that no one really cares, but they have to try it for a while to see for themselves.

Tonight I asked them both about what they hope to accomplish and where they think this is leading. I asked Andrew first off by himself. He said that maybe he could just stay in 3rd grade forever. I told him that while he could stop himself from learning, he would still have to be an adult some day and that by that point he would have made himself truly ignorant. I asked how he would get a job, get a house, buy a car, or buy food. He looked truly confused. I reminded him that every day he wastes is making him one more day behind the other people his age and one day closer to living in a box down by the river because he took away his own opportunities.

Crystal was different when asked about what she planned to do when she doesn't learn what she needs to know and then can't get a job or succeed. She shot back with a head bob and sassy 11 year old tone (still better than a ten year old tone because I really have never had much joy with 10 year olds and they are beyond sassy lol), "Well, I don't know!". I reminded her that she says she wants to be a mommy some day and give her kids a safe, good place. I reminded her that the choices she is making right now are not helping her with that goal. I reminded that you have to learn to succeed and that she seemed like she was working more on the goal of living down by the river in a cardboard box as an adult than she was at overcoming her RAD and being successful and happy.

We'll see what tomorrow holds. Maybe they will think about all the discussions we've had lately on how to finish getting better. Maybe they will think about our discussions tonight. Maybe they will think about all the priveleges they are missing out on right now. Maybe they will do their school work and go back to the good progress they were making in so many areas.

I guess I will find out. :)

Stress??

Since my heart rate has been high it seems that a lot of people wonder about how much stress I must be under. It seems that most people think that my children must be a cause of stress for me. I just thought I'd answer that one for sure.

MY KIDS DON'T STRESS ME AT ALL!

I mean, like any mother I get stressed if they are sick or something like that. The great thing is that my kids don't even get sick that often. They are healthy and wonderful. Other than sickness none of it stresses me.

I can honestly say that I don't get stressed by any of the behaviors that any of them exhibit. If Andrew were to eat a hole in the dry wall in his room and poop horizontally in it today, it would not stress me out! I feel blessed that he hasn't done that in probably at least two years, but the reason that I care isn't because it stresses me. I care because it means that he is getting better.

I really don't stress over behaviors and there is a reason. See, every one of my children came as a special gift. Dayton was by birth and I prayed before I conceived and the entire time he was in there (and I was sicker than a dog nearly the whole time by the way lol) and feel so blessed that God chose me to be his mommy. Each child that joined our family by adoption required three times the amount of prayer and begging to get home. I prayed for the initial match, whoever was supposed to be caring for them, the social workers to make things smooth, the paperwork to get done, the time line of bringing them home to speed up, and for them to realize how much they were loved and find their special place in our family. I realize that any behaviors or things other moms might find stressors are blessings that I begged for and am so blessed to have received. I get to be the one to help them through whatever their issues are. I am so blessed to have God answer my prayers in such amazing ways. I realize that they endured some horrible things before I became their mommy. I may have to endure some of the behaviors as a result, but being their mommy is a blessing that I begged God (and often times social workers as well) to let me have.

I can't "stress" over my blessings! I just have to praise God for them. There are days that I may vent a little. I really do usually manage to laugh over the things that happen though. I major behavior from one of my kids is no more of a stressor to me than a long line at Walmart is for most. It is something you say "Can you believe . . . . " about, but then I get the blessing that you don't get over the Walmart line - I get to see a child who is being miraculously changed by God. I even get to be a part of it!!!

So for anyone who worries about my stress levels with 12 kids, they don't stress me at all. My household is probably calmer than most households. My kids don't even fight because they can just go play with someone else, so I don't even have that normal parental stress either! :)

Yuck

Lots of things are going quite well right now. Construction is moving along. I think our footer will be poured on Monday, which is so exciting. My kids are awesome (well honestly Crystal and Andrew aren't doing great, but I don't stress it because they will come back around soon). I love homeschooling. I had an IEP meeting with Destiny's school professionals today and was reminded as to why I still have her there and how much I love their greatness.

I am feeling rough though. The ladies on my side of the family have a history of very fast heart rates. My great grandmother, grandmother, and mother have all required medication to bring it down. I have always had excellent blood pressure and just a high/average heart rate. I got a little cold or something that seemed to be going around. Shortly after I seemed to be having some difficulty with getting winded. I thought it was just some asthma flare up, so I didn't worry about it too much.

It turns out that the "genes" have smacked me. I am going back to the doctor in the morning to see about getting it further regulated. I started one medicine already, but I'm not staying down out of the 100 beats per minutes and above category. YUCK! I know they'll get it regulated soon though. In the meantime, I have awesome kids (not the RAD ones, bc you NEVER let them know you are at all under the weather or they might see it as the weakness they are so badly looking for) that are pitching in and making my life as easy as possible.

I have used this as a reason to do a little "check up" on my health habits though. I am eating a lot more salads and fruits. I am getting to bed at much better times. I am even sitting down during the day instead of going without stopping. lol I guess God figures we all need a little reminder now and then!

The Backsliding of the RADishes

Crystal and Andrew had been doing so well. I mean they were doing REALLY well. I knew it wouldn't last forever. I am not a newbie at this RAD thing, so I knew that it would return sometime soon with another round. It did.

We hadn't been to my grandparents' house for a month. We usually go there much more often than that, but with school starting back here full force and some other stuff going on it just hadn't happened. Brent was working this evening and Tuesday morning are his time to homeschool. I took Destiny to a check up with our medical provider. He got them up and going just as he did last week for homeschool.

The RADishes realized we were going somewhere, so they went into "RAD mode". Andrew tried out not writing his vocabulary definitions. Crystal went back to working on stuff and not telling us she had already done it so that we can get it checked. Andrew wrote so sloppy that you couldn't read it. Crystal did all of her math problems except for 4 and then wouldn't change the answers on those. Andrew finally made it to math and acted like he couldn't do his paper even though he could do it on the white board. Crystal began to shed fake tears over her math, while pretending that she really thought you could subtract and get a bigger number as your answer.

Oh yes, my RADishes were back to their games today. It is ok, because they didn't get the pity that they were hoping for at my grandparents' house. They got to sit on the hill where I could see them out the window. Of course, they didn't get the cookies or ice cream either! They looked all sad while they did it, but the pity never came for them.

I discussed with them how "not mad" I was. I told them that I understand that they just can't handle normal interactions with other adults. I let them know that at ages 9 and 11, I expect them to tell me things with words. This might sound like "Mom, I just can't handle having fun at Mommom and Daddy Bill's house today, so I need to sit outside". Then I could reply with "Thank you for letting me know how you are feeling. I would be glad to let you sit on the porch if you'd like and I will bring your treats to you out there.". I reminded them that talking with words helps them get what they need and prevents them from using their behavior to speak for them. I reminded them that using words to get help doesn't have consequences, but using bad behavior does. I let them know that if they had used their words then they wouldn't have gotten behind on their school work and had more to do tomorrow either.

Big hugs and a bedtime reminder of how much they are loved did follow. I really do love those two little brats, but I wish they would use words instead of behaviors! I hope they are back to behaving tomorrow. I will probably know when I first look at them. You can see their wheels turning for ways to try and get away with RAD behaviors at first glance if you know what you are looking for, but sometimes it is scary to look. lol Praying hard for the RAD to go to the back and love to come to the front!